We’ve all heard the old saying “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. Ruth K. Westheimer in her book Sex For Dummies however, begs to differ and says “…unless you only ask men living in a retirement community, I don’t think you’ll find the majority in agreement!” Women in Southern Africa and Zimbabwean women as well it seems, heartily support Ms Westheimer! After much research and digging, I learnt about a whole plethora of activities and practices that women undertake in order to make sure their men are sexually satisfied. These things range from the absurd to the down-right shocking that will leave you with your mouth agape! All this in a bid to keep our men satisfied and hopefully keep them from straying. However, we all know that if a man wants to cheat or stray, he will. It doesn’t matter if you “do it” with him monkey style or perform all sorts of gymnastics in bed. This then begs the question if all the trouble women go through is really worth it? Do the men really care? Does it make a difference to them? What really do they expect from us?
Before we get to whether the men actually care or not, let us take a look at some of the undertakings, procedures and activities that women go through in order to make themselves into sex goddesses.
Originally, this is a Zambian concept called Chinamwali. In Zimbabwe, this translates to what is called “chikapa”. It comprises several sessions where older women teach younger women and brides to be how to deal with the ups and downs of married life, including of course, how to satisfy your husband in bed. Here in Zimbabwe, these sessions usually happen at kitchen tea parties and bridal showers. These elderly, experienced ladies are also available for hire to those who want more private and intense lessons. Now if you were mesmerised by Shakira’s hips trust me, she has absolutely nothing on these ladies. They have more flexibility than a bendy roller! The first time you see them move you think it is impossible for you to do the same thing but they assure you that practise makes perfect. Lessons include how to seduce your man as well as how to handle business during the actual act. In the practical lessons, items like razor blades, needles, knives, broken glass and thorns are placed underneath the pelvis of the naked initiate who must then move her waist as instructed. Lowering the pelvis onto the ground before the instructor says so is not an option as one will get the aforementioned cocktail of sharp objects stuck in your back. At the end of these lessons, one is awarded waist beads that show the level of training they have gone through.
Now a days, some women prefer to wear gold waist chains instead of the traditional beads.
This entails pulling the labia minora which is meant to make sex more pleasurable for the man. The logic behind this is that the pulled labia slightly swells inwards, partially blocking the entrance to the vajay-jay and hence making it “tighter”.
Now this is where things get freaky. There is this slight obsession with making sure the woman’s vagina is not loose. It has to be kept as tight as possible otherwise neither party will experience much pleasure during sexual intercourse. I’m sure most of you have heard about kegel exercises whose purpose is to keep the pelvic muscles tight. Some women have gone a step further and taken to inserting weird and wonderful things into their privates all in a bid to keep their cookie tighter than tight. These items range from selected herbs, ice, vicks vapour rub (ouch!), talcum powder, household bleach (for real!) and sand! The craziest thing I was told was crystalized baboon urine!! Yes, you read right! Crystalized baboon urine (ewww)! Apparently, a baboon urinates on the same spot over and over again. Therefore over time, urine crystals form at that spot. The belief is that if you take that crystalized urine and stick it up your cookie, you man will keep coming back to errrm, the same spot!
Armed with all this very interesting information, I wanted to then find out if our men really care about all the antics we go through in order to please them? Do they expect their women to be well educated when it comes to bedroom issues and to be a regular nymphomaniac in between the sheets? Below are some of the responses from our local guys:
I get scared when a women knows too much! Like, where did she learn all that? It makes her look like she is too experienced and therefore loose!
Insert what? Where? *pretends to faint* Well, for me I think she should at least show some life when we are making love. She shouldn’t be a “danda” (Shona for log).
Yes, women should be taught how to please their men in bed. This is why there is so many divorces and so much cheating these days. It is because people are not satisfied in their matrimonial homes. Some of us know what it means when we see those beads around a woman’s waist. Those are the women we go after!
My uncle once dated this lady who had been pulling her labia minora so much they had become ridiculously long. He was absolutely disgusted and promptly dumped her. I also want my woman in her natural state. Not with these distorted body parts. Good sex is about the two of you understanding and pleasing each other. It is not meant to be one sided only.
Women get taught what? John fails to finish the interview as he is laughing so hard!
This is exactly why I like older women. They know their way around the bedroom. If you are with an older woman, you definitely know you are in for a good time as they know exactly what to do to you and how to do it! These young ones are clueless!
It is important that women are sent to these lessons at an early age. It is not all about sex but also how to behave once one is married. These educated women of today look down upon practises like this but us traditional men still value such teachings. I know of some young women that have been sent back to their parent’s homes to get the proper teaching on how to run a home and please your husband as they were clueless when they got married.
I want a blank canvas. Someone I can teach myself. I also think the older generation put too much emphasis on pleasing us men. Sex is more fun if both are enjoying it so men should also make an effort to please their wives.
I think it’s all about learning each other. Sometimes a man might not like what you have been taught at these Chinamwaris so you just need to learn what he wants. Women should also tell their men what they want so both enjoy. It doesn’t matter if you know nothing at the beginning. That is why marriage is a partnership where you learn each other.
So there you have it folks. It seems some men value these practises and some don’t. Personally, I tend to support the guys that say a relationship is a two way thing and both parties should make sure they learn each other in order to please each other. Also, I want to know if men go through as much hassle and are taught how to please their women in bed as well? (but that’s discussion for another day!)
What do you guys think about the way women are under pressure to please their men and what are some of the craziest things you have heard that people do?
*The names have been changed not to protect the interviewees but to protect the interviewer from the interviewees!