Zimbabwe, Zimbabwe! Oh, my Zimbabwe!

Disclaimer: This is NOT going to be well structured post. It’s more of a rant…sort of. These are all the things going through my mind right now with regards where Zimbabwe finds itself at the moment. It may or may not make sense. It is all haphazard. It may be all confused. But that is what we are feeling right now. Confused.

So guys. Zimbabwe. We all know what’s happening in Zimbabwe. Well, actually, we don’t. We don’t have a clue. We are going crazy here guys. We are excited. We are scared. We are curious. We are anxious the heck. What really is our military doing? What are they up to? Is this a smart move? Is this a stupid move? Maybe this is a well thought out plan that is being executed meticulously? Is R.G.M in on this? Maybe tirikuitiswa guys!

Zimbabweans have been through the most, THE ABSOLUTE MOST! We are such an abused people. You can’t even tweet in peace. Even now, I’m taking care not to type anything in this post that may get me in trouble and have charges of “trying to incite the overthrowing of a constitutionally and democratically elected government” brought against me. I’m too pretty for prison please!

I mean, most Zimbabweans had/have lost hope of any meaningful change in our country. Everyone is just basically trying to stay alive. To feed their families and have a decent roof over their heads. I think we last collectively had these feelings of anxiety, excitement, depression and anticipation after the 2008 elections, but alas. We all know how that story ended. As such, on the morning of 15 November 2017 when we woke up to the announcement on our one and only local TV station that the military was temporarily in charge of the country, we, ok, let me say “I”, I was confused. Stunned. Like what just happened?? Below is the full announcement which was made by General Major S. B. Moyo.

Note he actually doesn’t say anything at all about removing the current president. He just says they want to remove “the criminal elements surrounding him who are causing economic and social suffering in the country”. I don’t know how we got from that to everyone going on and on about them removing the current president. I don’t know man. It’s just confusing. Maybe it’s because we are so very DESPERATE for that kind of change we just heard what we wanted to hear and ran with it. Or maybe like I said before, it’s all part of their plan. Who knows? They are not really saying much. They said this is not a coup. But listen. These are highly educated, trained and experienced military men. I really, really want to believe that they DO know what they are doing. Imagine though. This is would actually be epic! This would be the most tactful and peaceful coup in the history of mankind. General Chiwenga and his team would go down in history as legends! He would need to write a book after this!

Listen. Zimbabweans are neither naive nor stupid. We are well aware that this is less about us the general populace of Zimbabwe and more about General Chiwenga and team protecting their own interests in ZANU PF (Zimbabwe’s ruling party). However. The transformation we seek could be a by-product of their bigger picture. That is why we are all sitting at the edge of our seats, biting our nails and watching ZBC TV which many of us haven’t bothered to watch for literally years! Imagine, we are looking to ZBC TV and the Herald for factual news! Wonders will never cease!

Let’s talk about SADC (Southern African Development Committee) and the AU (African Union) for a quick second. I’ll get straight to the point. I have NO kind words for them like, I’m sure, most Zimbabweans. In fact, I am mad as hell. How many times have we had issues in this country? Serious humanitarian issues? How many times could they have stepped in and held little meetings to intervene when we really needed them? Did they lift a finger? No. They turned the other way and pretended not to see what was going on. And now, because we (haha we!) have taken matters into our own hands they suddenly want to poke their snotty noses into our business? No no no. A thousand times no. How dare they? How DARE they? Now they want to start bringing up the constitution? Where were they when that very same constitution was being shat on??? Just pretend you can’t see us as usual. I’m going to stop there.

The international news agencies. Oh Lord. These guys right here **face palm** Can you stop being so sensational and peddling fake news and nonsense. First of all, there is no chaos in Zimbabwe. We are going about our daily lives as we normally do. The President was even capping graduates at the Zimbabwe Open University this afternoon. See? Nothing amiss here. No need to lose your damn minds. Let our military do their thing in peace (whatever that thing is, Lord only knows) and stop creating unnecessary noise for them. And those people outside of Zimbabwe or who are not Zimbabwean who are all over social media. Those of you who are being supportive, thank you. We appreciate you more than you will ever know at this weird time. You guys rock! Those of you who are condescending pricks and want to tell us how we should be feeling or what we should be doing or trying to explain to us what is going on here…..kindly fuck all the way off. Thank you.

In all this though, Zimbos still have a stellar sense of humour. The amount of jokes and puns that have going around are funny the heck! I think is our coping mechanism. We can make jokes out of anything. Is that always a good thing? I don’t know.

Anyway, however this cookie will end up crumbling, I will always love my country and my countrymen. If the result is positive, let us build our country and make sure we NEVER EVER get to this stage again. Even if the result is not what we want, we are to keep pushing. To our military, we are behind you guys. We really don’t know what it is you are up to, but for some strange reason, most of us are behind you 100%. To be honest, I would like to believe that most Zimbabweans don’t really care which party is ruling as long as they are taking care of us, the people. Make sure we have good infrastructure, good medical care, good education, jobs, and a sustainable economy. That is all we ask. Is that too much? I think not.

Oh yes. Zimbabweans. Don’t let this distract you from registering to vote. REGISTER TO VOTE!

But yoh, this is stressful as fuck guys.

I need some vodka. A lot of it.



2 thoughts on “Zimbabwe, Zimbabwe! Oh, my Zimbabwe!”

  1. I couldn’t relate more to this post than anything. i actually feel shy and disgraced when such sad instances happen to African countries and it makes me wonder when my dear mother Africa will grow. we are the cause of our own problems and we are the reason many countries look down on us. i feel sad for Africa and i truly feel your pain. i hope Zimbabwe survives this as the loving people are far more than any political group.

    1. You are right. Africa needs to be responsible for itself and we need to hold our leaders accountable for their actions or lack of, otherwise we will just be going round in circles.

      We are just praying that things go well in Zim and we can kick-start our economy again.

      Thank you for reading! 🙂

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