Dear Daddy

I’m crying as I type this post (as I often do when I think about you). Twelve years today since you were so unexpectedly taken away from me. I have come to accept that this is something I will never get over. I will just have to try to live with the awful fact that you are no longer here. It’s hard dad. Sometimes I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I try but it’s so so hard.

I didn’t cry much at your funeral. I was probably in a daze. And also you know how Africans can be at a funeral. I was trying to be alert incase someone tried something funny. Thank God they didn’t. Anyway, I’ve been crying for the past 12 years and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I don’t know if that’s normal though. Maybe I’ll have to see someone about it. I’m just a girl who misses her dad.

I always wish you were here. I think about all the things I would have done for you and how happy and genuinely appreciative you would have been. I remember the one time when I was on attachment and I bought you a shirt. You cried because you were that happy. Now when I am able to do so much more for you, you are no longer here. Why? Why God? Why? I remember sitting by the telephone table and crying when I realised how sick my father was. I begged you God not to take him away from me, but still, you did. But it’s ok. I still trust you. That doesn’t take away my pain though.

Evanescence  – My Immortal

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

I found your Bachelor of Commerce degree certificate the other day. You passed on when you were in the middle of doing your Master’s. I was saying to mummy the other day, if you were still here, you would definitely have had your doctorate by now. But don’t worry daddy, I did that Masters for you and I will get that doctorate for you too, for us 🙂!

Thank you for being more than just my dad, thank you for being my best friend. Most of all, I want to thank you for always, always believing in me and telling me that I could do anything I wanted. You never ever put any limits on me or told me I couldn’t do anything. Thank you for being my biggest encourager, my biggest cheerleader, my hype-man. The confidence and belief I have in myself right now is because of you. Even if someone tries to put me down, in my head I will tell them to go and jump off a cliff. MY DAD told me I am superwoman, so who are you to tell me otherwise?

*Sigh* I would literally give up body parts so I could have just one more day with you, just one day is all I ask. But alas, I know that is not possible. I often dream about you. The dream is always something along the lines of you are going to work or something and I always tell you not to go or that I’m coming with you because I will be terrified you are not going to come back. I’m always so violently disappointed when I wake up and realise it was just a dream.

Pink – Who Knew

I’ll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again

There is so much I want to tell you. I want to give you a hug. I want to laugh at your jokes and shenanigans. I want to go on those long drives we used to go on. I want to go on one of our daddy-daughter lunches (except I’ll be paying this time lol), I want to see your smile (that beautiful smile that is exactly like mine), I want us to exchange music like we used to. You were such a cool dad I’m sure if you were here you would be all over my social media lol. I can just imagine the number of selfies we would take!

It’s been twelve years but I remember that cold rainy 1st of April in 2007 when half of me was taken away. I miss you dad. More than ever. This time heals nonsense is not working for me. I miss you daddy and I want you back. But I know that’s not possible. I’ll just have to live with talking to you in my dreams. I hope and pray that God willing, we will meet again, one day.

Always loved and missed so so much. Every single day.

Rest in perfect love, peace and power my hero.

Your broken hearted daughter.

Tina  💔