Category Archives: Love

Forced/Rebound relationships

Hey y’all. How’s everybody doing today? So this morning I came across the below tweets floating around on my TL:

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My first reaction was that of shock and disbelief. How dare he, I thought. What a mean human being! How can he be so cruel to his poor girlfriend? But then the more I though about it, the more I actually started to feel sorry for HIM. This guy is just saying his truth. He says he just woke up today with a heavy heart thinking about this. He sounds a bit stuck really. I’m not sure I agree with him tweeting about it though because idiots are aplenty on this planet and I guarantee you someone has already made sure his girlfriend sees these tweets (he says she herself is not on Twitter).

rebound-relationshipsAnyway, he got me wondering about people and relationships. I wonder how many people are in relationships and feel like this? Pining away after your ex? Or after the person that you really love but can’t be with for whatever reason. Imagine the poor girlfriend though. She most probably thinks she’s in the greatest relationship ever and yet this guy really and truly doesn’t love her. He’s just there because she is a good person and he believes she deserves to be happy (also because he was initially attracted to her because she reminds him of his ex lol). I don’t know. I don’t have much experience with real, deep relationships so maybe my point of view is too romanticised? But I’m thinking this is one of the ways unhappy marriages and ultimately  unhappy households are created. Imagine these two get married and have kids. It may take some time but I’m sure this woman will realise this guy simply does not love her. He may do everything for her and provide for her but if he doesn’t LOVE her SHE WILL KNOW. What happens when the woman he really does love decides she wants to give it a go again? Will he remain faithful to the one he doesn’t love? Will he leave her? Will they start an affair? What if he then meets the real love of his life later and he’s now stuck with a wife he doesn’t love and a family? Will he sacrifice his happiness for them? Too much unnecessary drama methinks.

I know he didn’t ask for our advice but I think he should quit while he’s ahead. Let this other girl go. Yes she’ll be hurt but she’ll get over it and move on. Better now than years and a wedding and babies down the line. Also, he says his pride (and most probably hers too) is what’s getting in the way of him getting back together with the ex. This little thing called pride is troublesome I tell you! I don’t know why they broke up with the ex but it seems to me that he wants to try again with her but won’t because pride.

The same goes for those people who get married because the woman is pregnant and are unlikely to have done so if she hadn’t gotten pregnant. Is it possible to learn to love someone because you have no choice? I think a lot of these people end up being promiscuous because they just can’t stand to go home to the person they’re “stuck” with forever.

What do you guys think? Am I romanticising relationships too much? Are most relationships like this where one party is not in it 100%? Can you really last a  lifetime with someone you married just because they got pregnant but you didn’t really love them (or you are the one that got pregnant)? Can you “learn” to love someone? Can a relationship last where there is no love but one party is there because they feel sorry for the other? Why can’t people just swallow their pride, go forth and “seize the bae”?

Help me out here with your thoughts…

Why the modern woman allegedly cannot submit to her husband

So this morning I woke up to this interesting discussion on Twitter.  ZiFM asked why it is the modern woman finds it difficult to submit to her husband. Answers from most of the guys ranged from blaming equal rights, women watching too much TV, women being too materialistic and women not following the Bible’s instruction to submitting to their husbands (notice how not one of them put an ounce of blame on themselves) *rolls eyes* Now, I am not married and this post is MY opinion on the matter. I’m also a Christian so I will be making references to Biblical principles once or twice.

I think for us to answer this question, we need to really define what it means to be submissive, not what some people want it to mean. The first definition when you google the word submission is “the action of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person”. I’ve noticed a lot of people, especially guys, who know nothing about what’s in the Bible somehow all know that verse that says wives should submit to their husbands lol. Below is that verse in it’s context because somehow the following bit about the husbands loving their wives and being capable leaders seems to get lost in translation. Please read the text before and after to get a full appreciation of what the couple and not just the wife is being asked to do.

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I’m not going to conduct a Bible study class here and have an in-depth analysis of what all this means. However, I’d like to believe that any person of standard intelligence can deduce that yes, the wife is being instructed to submit to her husband but the husband is also being instructed to love his wife just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. That last bit I’ve highlighted is loaded yo! Guys, are you seeing this? Can you do what Christ did for you for your wife??? It is my opinion that one cannot happen without the other. Without love there is not respect and vice versa. Submission here does not mean say yes to everything and question nothing. It does not mean you are your husbands slave. It does not mean you are his property to use and discard like some random inanimate object. What it simply means is that he is entitled to receiving the respect that is due to him as the head of the house.

Personally, I have no problem with submitting to my future husband. If it is what makes him happy, I will have no problem with kneeling before him to give him his food or whatever (because you can kneel before a man for various other reasons hahaha) BUT this will only happen if I respect and love this man and I am assured that he is there for me, that he has my back, that he is a capable leader of our family, a good father to our children, my protector, lover and friend. Without that haulume shasha. Guys, let me let you in on a secret, if you genuinely do the above for your women, respect and submission is automatic no doubt. You won’t even have  to ask. Munoitirwa minana mudzimba umo and you will have a permanent smile on your face. But it’s a two way thing, it’s give and take.

Now, the problem I see these days is that a lot of people do not want to move with the times and realise that we are now in 2016 and not 1916. In our grandmother’s era or indeed even some of our mother’s times, women did not have as much choice to do what they wanted to do with their lives. A lot of them did not get any education past their “O” Levels. They were expected to get married before 25 and start a family, stay at home and look after their husbands and children. The men are the ones who went out to work and bring home the bacon. A lot of these women depended on their husbands for their well being such that whatever the husband said was law. If he cheated or abused her, she stayed “for the kids” and also because her family would most probably tell her to go back to her husband. Fast forward to now and women are a lot more self sufficient. We are educated and employed. If my husband abuses me, I have the option to leave him and still be able to look after myself and my children. I can question what he says because guess what? I am also a thinking human being with a God given brain. Unfortunately, a lot of men think that when a woman questions them, she is “refusing to submit”. Erm, no daddy, I’m questioning you so I can understand better and I might even have a better idea!

The way I see it, instead of also growing and developing together with their women, a lot of men are behaving like toddlers that are walking a few steps behind their mommy. They stop and start screaming that they’ve been left behind instead of running along and catching up. Guys, times have changed. We are not going back to 1950 mufunge. Y’all need to step up your game and get with the programme because I promise you, most women, even the most die hard feminists will respect a man who is exactly that, a man. The problem is a lot of guys think that having different reproductive organs from a woman automatically entitles them to respect and submission. Men don’t want to be men but want the benefits of a man.

I used think my views on this topic are utopian but then I have come across the kinds of men I would have no problems submitting to so I KNOW they exist. For example, check this brother out. He gets it. He was talking a lot of sense throughout the discussion:

 

Someone recently accused me of hating men because I regularly call them out (I don’t, I love men, I actually get along with guys much more than girls…but that’s a story for another day) So to dispel such myths, I’m also going to talk to my sisters. Ladies, I think when you get married, get married for the right reasons. Get married to a man you love and respect already and who you know has the potential to be the man you need in your life. I’ve seen women get married to someone just because he is rich and then a year down the line she can’t stand the sight of him. Hakuna respect inobuda ipapo! Also ladies, in as much as we are now self sufficient and independent, I think we need to remember that this relationship business is teamwork. If you want it to work, we need to understand that the way men and women operate is different. Our needs and wants are different. Men need respect and to have their egos rubbed. We need to feel protected and loved (let me say many of us at least before I get ripped to shreds by the extreme feminists!).

In conclusion, I think both men and women need to stop pointing fingers at each other for not getting the kind of relationships they need and want. tumblr_nijftwZGjk1rmmq74o1_1280For any relationship to work teamwork and communication are key. Know what the other party needs and try your best to provide that.

This is such a huge topic that would require a lot more discussion I think but I always try to make my blog posts as short as possible to keep y’all actually interested! As always, I want to know what you guys think about this? Add your comments in the comments section below!

A woman’s purpose: To find and keep a man…-__-

You know, I was in the middle of writing another post but I just had to get this out of my system. I’ve been seeing the below April Mason video floating around on Facebook and I hadn’t watched it because it’s like 50 friggin minutes long but I had some time today and I decided to watch it.

Right. Now she starts this video off by saying she’s pissed off about some report she saw on Al Jazeera talking about how African American women are the least likely to get married demographic in America. She then goes on to explain why she thinks that is so and what the ladies are doing wrong that’s putting the “men” off. Now, this is what pisses me off. Why the hell do we have like a zillion of these videos that tell women what they’re doing wrong and what they should do so that the get married? Where are the videos telling men what it means to be a damn man and how to treat and take of women? Where are those videos? Have you ever seen one? I sure haven’t and if you have it’s most probably one. And it’s not just these videos. It’s everywhere, in magazines, television, social media, everywhere! Why are we expected to bend over backwards for these people who no-one tells/teaches/preaches to on how to take care of us? Patriarchy much?

In my opinion, a lot of women have become “independent women” because they realise they will get nowhere trying to depend on or even working as a team with some of these men. Men need to up their game and step up. To those few men that are holding it down for their ladies and are not intimidated by a woman who wants it all, please, teach your brothers how it’s done (because those men ARE out there although they’re about as common as unicorns!)! I for one am sick and tired of people always going on about how to treat a man, how to get a good man, how to keep a man. Teach these men how to treat a woman, how recognise and get a good woman and how to keep her!

As much as I agree with one or two the points made in April’s video, the tone in which some things where said I did not agree with e.g the way a woman’s education is kind of just dismissed or in her words “those things are just a bonus”. I won’t comment in this post though or else you’ll need as much time to read this post as you need to watch that video lol. (Please DO watch the video and let me know your thoughts in the comments section)

Enjoy!

Being a muroora (daughter-in-law) in 2015

I had a hilarious and interesting discussion on Twitter with a few friends the other evening on what’s expected from a black Zimbabwean daughter-in-law, especially the first time she goes to the husband’s “kumusha”. For my readers outside of Zimbabwe, when a woman gets married, she is expected to go to her in-law’s home and carry out some daughter-in-law “duties”. If her in-laws live in the rural areas, these duties include fetching firewood, getting water for the entire family from a well which can be goodness knows how many kilometres away, cooking on an open fire and even killing a chicken or heaven forbid a goat and of course cooking it.

Now, my issue with the above scenario is this; I really want to understand why people still place so much importance on doing things the old fashioned way? Take me for example. I did not grow up in the rural areas. I have never gone to fetch wood. I can’t carry a big bucket of water with my hands never mind put it on my head and cooking on an open fire is a bit of a nightmare . In such a scenario, why can my husband and I not do the following:

  • Buy a portable gas stove for the cooking. No more cooking on the open fire and getting smoke in my eyes.
  • Get a borehole installed as well as a water tank. No more disasters with buckets full of water
  • Look. I’m not trying to kill any living thing bigger than a fly so this killing chickens business? Nah. This is 2015. Let that sink in for minute. 2015. Why can’t I just bring my chicken pieces from the supermarket? I don’t think there really is a valid reason to be honest.

It makes 110% sense why daughters-in-law were required to do all this in the past. I guess because they would be going to start their own homes in similar settings, the in-laws possibly wanted to make sure that she could take care of their son (not that the guy was expected to do anything to show that HE could also take care of HER but that’s a story for another day!) However, this is 2015, surely we should be embracing whatever technology makes our lives easier right?

I have no problems with cooking and cleaning for and showing off your domestic prowess to your in-laws but lets not try and make each other’s lives unnecessarily difficult.  Surely if I’m not going to go and stay in the rural areas then I should be able to do whatever makes life easier for both them and myself right? Yes, let’s keep our traditions but let’s also incorporate technology and move with the times right?

What do you guys think?

Being Yvonne-Michelle…

I used to really hate Being Mary-Jane when it first came out. The fact that she was purposefully having an affair with a married man, the fact that she was the stereotypical successful black woman who had everything…everything but love. I think initially I watched the first two or three episodes and then decided I wouldn’t watch it again. And I didn’t for a while. Then for some reason I began to watch it again. It was at this point that I realised I had hated this show because it had a lot of similarities with my life (except the bed wetting business lol).  It highlighted the bits of my life that I didn’t like and that I usually try to ignore.

The range of emotions she goes through, the problems she faces, her frustrations…all too familiar. I’m glad I started watching it again though. It forced me to face and analyse the things I didn’t like about my life, hard as it was. It also got me thinking that the things I go through are not peculiar to me. It’s “normal” so to speak. Or maybe “common” is a better word to use. It got me to accept that shit happens and life doesn’t always happen the way we want. You don’t get the guy you want in the package you want at the time you want. Those close to you don’t always understand you. Your job is not always perfect. Real friends are few and far between. You don’t always know what you want. It’s ok to be a complete bitch sometimes. Relationships are not always black and white. It’s ok to let your frustrations out, to just collapse and cry. Because you know what? That’s what life if all about. A whole mix of different things. Expected and unexpected.

Being Mary-Jane also reiterates the fact that life is that much more difficult for you if you’re a successful, black, single woman, over thirty. You get grief from everyone with their expectations of what you’re supposed to be doing with your life, how and when. It’s hard but then you have to be tougher because no-one is going to live your life for you. Like Mary-Jane, I find it’s flipping hard and tiring to be this strong woman all the time. So I guess it’s ok to lose it once in a while 🙂

So I’m now a Being Mary-Jane fan and eagerly awaiting Season 3 to start. Tell me, do any of you guys watch this show? What do you think about it?